Timing

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve wanted to get this blog up and running for a while now but have been hindered by a thought that I should start with stories from my first few weeks in South East Asia and then continue on chronologically. I’ve decided to just put my most pertinent experience here for you to read (this is also, likely, the most challenging experience of my life).

After arriving in Thailand and spending three days in Bangkok, I headed off to an island called Koh Chang where I spent a little over a month. On my third last evening on the island, I went to a little Rasta bar called Zion with a Canadian friend named Emmanuel and two German girls. The four of us were sitting, talking, and having a good time when I spotted this beautiful girl across the bar. Instantly I could sense something special about this girl - I’ve always been attracted to women that I sense are unique and there was something absolutely mesmerizing about her. She was beautiful, had an amazing sense of style, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Twenty minutes later her and her friend went up in front of the bar and she began spinning fire, doing contact juggling with a fire staff, and then hoola hooping. I’ve seen so many beautiful things in my life but the way this girl moved as she played hoola hoop was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. Again, I just couldn’t take my eyes off of her. When her show was finished and she came back into the bar I just kept looking her way, knowing that I absolutely had to meet her. After 30 minutes of awkward glances (by me of course) and continuous thinking about something witty to say (for some reason “hello” just never seems to be good enough), I finally cultivated the courage to approach her (by the way 30 minutes is a personal best for me – usually it takes me weeks, months, or even years to approach a girl I’m attracted to). I told her that I liked the show (wittiness in full force). She told me her name was Em and that she was from Bangkok. I don’t remember what all was said during that conversation; I just remember that after it ended and I had walked away, I then immediately returned to tell her that I thought she was beautiful. She smiled and responded, “It’s dark out.” Without hesitation, I told her, “No, You really are very beautiful.”

Two nights later, on my last night on Koh Chang, I went out to Treehouse bar in hopes that this lovely girl would be there and I would get to speak with her again. Luckily, she was in fact out that night and I happily talked with her for a long while. We sat together getting to know one another and again I told her that I thought she was beautiful. Then I let her know that I would love to hang out with her when we both got back to Bangkok. She gave me her phone number as well as her email address. All smiles…

The following morning, I was up early and hitchhiked to the ferry. It was about 8:30 am and I had just found a seat when my beautiful fire spinning girl walked up the stairs with a friend. Of course I was stoked, but also a little anxious. She introduced me to her friend, an Italian girl named Simona, and the three of us spent the ferry ride chatting. When we hit the mainland I was on a different bus than they were and so I was forced to separate from them. Once I got to Bangkok though, I quickly checked into my guest house, showered, and then raced off to the nearby park where I knew I would find both Simona and Em. This was the start of many things beautiful.

Immediately, Simona and I became close friends and we would spend most minutes of the next week in each other’s company, just laughing and laughing with and at one another. Simona got me and it was amazing to meet someone I could really share myself with – to love and to be loved. During our time together, Simona learned of all my little neurosis. And you know there are many (smile). She never judged me though and we were able to really laugh at all my craziness. We became close so quickly that she could just look at me and with a twitch of her eyes or a little smile let me know that she knew exactly what was running through my mind. I remember that whenever I got stressed out about something or had one of those ‘Ryotic’ moments, when I absolutely have to cover my eyes with something whether it be my hands, my hair, sunglasses, or glasses with no lenses, Simona would just look at me and playfully say, “It must be really hard to be you huh?”

I spent every day, of the next 10 days or so, with Simona and Em. That week, Em and her fire partner and friend were playing fire and this continued for five evenings straight at the Street Festival that was happening to celebrate the King’s birthday. Each night we watched their show and then, after Em showered, we would hit up nearby fruit and noodle stands for some late dinner. Every night we stayed out until early morning and each night we stayed out later than the last. All of our time was spent joking, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company.

In private, Simona would joke with me about how slow I was moving with Em; that Em’s heart was open and if I didn’t make a move soon I might miss something amazing. In my mind, I was just letting things happen organically. I liked Em and I was definitely attracted to her, but because I liked her I didn’t feel comfortable just ‘making a move on her’. Em had also told me that she was in the process of ending a relationship with someone and so I wanted to be respectful of that and let things happen naturally, on her time. In fact, it wasn’t until Simona’s second last day in Bangkok that I realized how much I liked Em. That day, her and Simona went off shopping together and the whole time they were gone thoughts of Em just ran through my mind. In the late morning she sent me a text saying that she missed me (smile) and after that I spent the whole day just waiting to see her lovely, beautiful, shining face. I remember how excited I was to see both of them when they came roaring up on Em’s motorbike later that afternoon.

That night my good friend Farhad, whom I absolutely adore, came into town and we all went to Em’s show. After the show, some other contact jugglers/performers took over the stage and they put on an amazing and hilarious performance, which involved pulling me up on stage and making fun of me in front of hundreds of people for 10 straight minutes (see facebook videos if interested). In the early morning, Simona, Farhad, Em, and I all lay in bed together talking and listening to music. As we lay there, I got closer and closer to Em and finally I put my arm around her waistline. Because of some mischievous sounds coming from across the bed, Em whispered in my ear that I should go to my room and she would follow me there. I slowly snuck out of the bed and Em and I went to my room, where I just held and caressed her. To me, it was beautiful. To Simona and Farhad, I was moving way way to slow. I brought up a beautiful analogy, that Farhad had come up with earlier when we were on Koh Chang together, in my defence: “Some guys are race cars and they just go for things hot off the start, but they burn out quickly and can’t go the distance. Other cars maybe aren’t that quick off the start but of course, these cars, they can go longer distances.” Of course, I regarded myself as the latter car. Quickly Simona replied, “If that’s the case then you my friend are a bicycle.”

Despite sensing I may have blown it, by waiting so long to even kiss this amazing girl, the following night Em stayed with me and that next morning we were intimate. This then evolved into an absolutely beautiful, love-filled experience. In my life, for varying reasons, I’ve developed a bit of a pattern - after I’ve been romantically or even lustfully involved with someone I tend to panic, feel extremely trapped, and then run away as fast as my feet can carry me. As a result, I haven’t been in a real relationship since 2005. With Em however, I was able to just let go, relax, and openly share myself with her.

We spent the next four or so days exploring each other, caressing, and making love. Each time we were together was more intense, more loving, and more connected than the last. On my last night in Bangkok, as we lay together, Em looked over at me and told me that even though she had much work to do she wanted to come with me up North. I was thrilled.

The following day I cancelled my ticket on the ‘tourist bus’ and Em and I got tickets together for a local bus to Chiang Mai. Once we arrived in Chiang Mai, the next day we hitchhiked up North to Mae Sai so I could extend my visa and stay in Thailand another two weeks. Following that, we spent the next four days totally consumed with one another. We rarely left our guest house. We put off eating and even drinking water in favour of being in each other’s arms. We spent hour upon hour kissing, making love, and just holding each other. Often, Em would look at me and tell me how strong her feelings for me were getting. To which I would joke, “That’s normal.” Every day I also felt closer and more connected to her. Everything about it was beautiful. She was beautiful. I’ve never connected with anyone so quickly and the way I connected with Em, and when she finally left back to Bangkok I didn’t feel guilty (for some reason, intense guilt is often present after I have been intimate with someone).

When Em finally had to leave, I was initially okay with it. Each of us had just dropped everything to be with the other and because we had spent so much time together, it felt good to re-connect with myself and to re-evaluate why I am here in Asia. Both of us knew, and had talked about, how we each needed the next couple of months to follow our own passions and then meet again to see where we stood with each other. After one day though, I missed her terribly. She was constantly in my thoughts and I was desperate to see her again. I was, and am, totally attached. And I definitely knew that I needed to see her again before I headed on to China to study Yoga there.

A quote from a very amazing author comes to mind as I write my story:

“Not even one’s own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.” - Milan Kundera -

Em and I talked on the phone most nights after she left. When I told her how I was feeling it was of course her turn to respond, “Don’t worry, that’s normal.” During our conversations she would constantly complain to me that she didn’t have any motivation to practice fire and I tried to help her make sense of this. After five or six nights away from her, I told her that I wanted to see her again before I left Thailand and that if she didn’t have to work on the 25th, I intended to come back to Bangkok so we could spend Christmas together. She told me she would find out if she had been booked to perform on Christmas night and get back to me the next day.

The following afternoon I phoned her to find out if Christmas was a go. I was hoping and praying that I would be able to see her again and so I was stoked when she told me that she didn’t have to work. But Em then told me that she had found out why she felt so un-motivated and tired all the time. She was pregnant. She then told me that she was seven weeks along. It took me at least 10 seconds to work out that she wasn’t pregnant by me. I just sat there resisting the panic that was swallowing me. She told me that it was with her ex-boyfriend who she had just recently broken up with and didn’t love. I just sat in silence until I could say the only thing that came into my mind: “I wish it was mine.” To which she replied, “I wish it was yours too, I really do.” Silence... Then we both started laughing... Because If we didn’t laugh, I would have cried.